When Will the Pope die ?
Play AND
WIN a Bottle of Chablis
(white premier cru / Burgundy, France)
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When Will the Pope die ? Play AND WIN a Bottle of Chablis (white premier cru / Burgundy, France) |
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KiLLPoPe's Religious Jokes : A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?" The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you." The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape." "And what's the bad news?" asks the man. "You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies. God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam says, "Tell me the good news first." God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect." Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?" God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time." The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants. The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her. An Irish Catholic man decides to go to confession after having a sexual relationship with a married women. He strolls into the confessional booth and takes his seat. The priest in the partition next to him asks him if he has any sins to confess. The man replies, "Yes, Father, I have sinned. I have been having a physical relationship with a married women. Will you ask God to forgive me?" The priest replies, "tell me, was it Mrs. McCarthy"? "No," replied the man. "Well then," asks the priest, "was it Mrs. Mulroney?" "No, Father, it wasn't her either." "Then was it Mrs. Fitspatrick," asked the Priest. "No, Father, it wasn't her either," replied the parishioner. Having come to the conclusion that further efforts to solicit the name of the married woman would be futile, the Priest finally tells the man to say Five Hail Mary's as his penance. The man did as he was instructed and left the Church. Nearby on the street he noticed, Mario, his drinking buddy, walking by. Mario asked him why he had been at the Church and the man told him. Then Mario asked him if he had received forgiveness to which the man replied, "who cares about that! I got the names of three new women." A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat. A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat. Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom also so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "maybe we should have told him where the rocks were." A rabbi goes to visit his friend who is a priest. While there, the priest shows him all of the improvements he has made to his church including the new confessional. Eventually a woman comes into the church needing to confess her sins. The rabbi listens as the lady tells the priest that she has committed adultery three times. The priest tells the lady to say three Hail Mary's and to leave a $5.00 deposit in the box for the church's development fund and God will forgive her. A short while later another woman comes into the church needing forgiveness. The rabbi again listens as the woman tells the priest how she has committed adultery three times and the priest also tells her to say three Hail Mary's and leave a $5.00 deposit in the church development fund box. When the priest leaves the confessional he asks the rabbi to wait in the church for a moment while he takes a phone call from the archdiocese. While waiting for the priest to return, another woman enters the church needing to confess her sins. The rabbi, not seeing the priest anywhere around, decides he can handle the task and listens to the lady's confession. The lady tells the rabbi that she has committed adultery two times. The rabbi, recalling the previous decisions of the priest, says to her, "you need to go back and commit adultery one more time as it is three for five dollars!" A guy heads into confession and tells the priest that he stole some lumber one day to make his dog a doghouse because it was cold outside and he didn't have enough money to buy the lumber. The priest hears the confession and determines that even though the man committed a sin, at least he had an understandable reason, so he told the man to say one Hail Mary and he would be forgiven. But the man in the confessional wasn't finished yet. He told the priest there was still more to his story. After he built the dog house with the stolen lumber, he had some left over, so he used some of the stolen lumber to build a deck on the back of his house. The priest then decided that this man would need to say three Hail Marys for forgiveness. But the man was still not finished with his confession. He then told the priest how there was still more leftover lumber, which he used to build himself a new three car garage. After hearing this, the priest decides that this man should have to say five Hail Marys. But the man is still not finished with his confession and tells the priest there is more. The man confesses that there was still enough leftover lumber, that he built himself a new addition to his home. Finally the priest has heard enough and asks the man if he knows what a novena is? The man in the confessional replies, "I'm not sure, but if you show me some blueprints, I am sure I could build one for you, Father." |